A day in the life of V day
by TCBN
Summary: Follow the lives of various South Park characters as they undergo the ups and downs of one day: Valentine's Day. Break ups, confessions, loveless relationships, and the singles. Nothing gay happens. Eventual Anti-Valentine's day story
1. Kyles shredding

Kyle mused over a card he had sprayed and decorated with glitter, gel pen and big pink hearts. He had to quickly stuff this into someone's letterbox and flee. It was all too easy! He stood up, grabbed the silver envelope, crammed the card inside and literally cartwheeled down the steps, much to Sheila's confusion.

"Uh… have a nice day, Kyle!" his mother waved as he danced out the door

"You too, ma!" Kyle forced himself not to say it in falsetto

Instead of heading for the house, he ran right into Bebe, who was walking to HIS house, up the pavement to his door.

"Hey there!" Kyle planted one on her mouth

"Hey, Kyle!" Bebe trilled, gingerly taking his hand

"Here's a card I made for you" Kyle smiled and passed it to her

Bebe took the card, bundled it into the depths of her coat and led him to school. He walked past Rachel who ferociously inhaled from her bright blue inhaler. There was always something bothering her. He thought she panicked all the time, from history exams to if her new pet mouse would survive the fall down the stairs.

"Morning!" Bebe sang, waving a glittering fingernail laden hand

"Morning!" Rachel wheezed, blinking as her cheeks flushed to a rose

Kyle waved mutely and followed Bebe to the depths of the school halls.

Bebe turned around, blue eyes shining a warm ray of ocean blue.

"Kyle" Bebe cleared her throat

"Yes, babe?" Kyle moved in to sniff the vanilla of her perfume when a few words caught him in mid-embrace

"I think we should see other people" Bebe mumbled, eyes turning down, blue pools of arctic oceans now making Kyle freeze.

"What!?" Kyle croaked, heart careening out of his mouth and into the snow outside the window behind her, splattering onto the sidewalk.

"I…" Bebe looked away, "I'm into someone else"

Kyle looked at the bulge in her coat where his hand crafted card lived.

"Who" Kyle rasped, feeling like he was getting stabbed over and over again.

"Look, I think there isn't that spark anymore" Bebe murmured

"….oh" Kyle looked away, tears welling up

"Hey, are you up for ice skating after school?" Clyde said, standing before Bebe, and jumping in fright as he saw the darkening in Kyle's eyes, the bloodshot eyes welling up in tears and the white snot dripping from his nose.

"Dude?" Clyde whispered, stepping forward, "You okay, man?"

Bebe watched as her newly labeled X boyfriend stepped backwards and shake his head as he turned to leave.


	2. Rachel's rage

Rachel cringed, sucking the precious asthma puff with great force. Shit. It was empty.

"I gotta go get a new one" Rachel rasped, shaking her puffer, "I'll see ya"

"Sure, whatever, dude" Stan waved a hand as his eyes latched onto Wendy's sauntering figure. Rachel rasped and rattled her way to the nurse's office, on the way she saw Kyle looking forlorn, sitting by the water fountain.

"Are- You- Okay?" Rachel rattled out her lungs, lungs feeling like they were being plied out by a sadistic murderer.

"I just got dumped, talk at lunch, I'm fine now" Kyle turned away

Rachel couldn't stay long. She could feel her own heart beat struggling to pulsate, moving as if it were stuck in golden syrup. The blood rushing through her brain banged through her ears. She had to run. She bolted for the nurse's office, swiped the nurse's key and smacked it into the draws. Breaths whistling and suctioning as it escaped her lungs. Her hand enclosed on the familiar plastic tube. She jammed it on her teeth and pressed the button, feeling the freezing cold air pour into her lungs like a chocolate milkshake on a hot summer's day.

"You okay there?" Nurse asked, looking at her in confusion

"Yeah" Rachel was relieved to hear her own voice flood out in it's normal harmonic.

"Hey, did anyone see a pale faced, freckled, wavy haired brunette leap into this office?" a familiar voice asked, causing Rachel to turn around and blush lightly

"Who?" the nurse lifted an eyebrow

"Me or that guy?" Rachel pointed at the receptionist who had a balding head of brown curls and a few large freckles on his chin, looking pasty.

"Plus bouncing fruit baskets" Kenny added much to Rachel's annoyance

"Ha" Rachel spat, not entirely sure if she was allowed to crack up at Nurse's angry stare

"We should probably head for English, unless you want teacher to eat you for dessert and use your mutilated fingers as dildos" Kenny lifted an eyebrow, much to the Nurse's disgust

"Sure thing" Rachel shrugged, pocketing the puffer and following him to class. Now that her brain had optimum blood supply, she could think straight. The only problem was instead of talking about why _Macbeth_ was a tragic hero, she couldn't help but wonder about her feelings towards Kenny. She hid it deep down in her left ventricle, next to her deepest and darkest secrets…

"Stan!" Rachel grabbed his wrist as he sauntered past

"Hey-" Stan blinked, eyes wondering past her

"I'm okay" Rachel cleared her throat, "I have a puffer"

"Good" Stan took his wrist back, examined a mole on his elbow

Thank god the teacher hadn't even arrived yet. Rachel could feel the rage stewing inside her stomach, an ugly, green bile, ready to engulf Stan and scald him blind. It was angry bile. And it gave her not butterflies but a stomachache and it hurt like a grenade going off in a silent museum.

"You never look at me" Rachel stood up, puffer rattling in her pocket

Stan just shrugged, "well, whatever"

"You never say you love me" Rachel whispered, "what's going on between us? Are we even together, Stan?"

"Uh" Stan lowered his head and kissed her. The kiss felt wrong. It was like your dying granddad kissing you goodbye. It felt bad, wrong and just not right. Rachel frowned as he straightened up.

"Does that answer your question?" Stan retorted

"No" Rachel shook her head, ignoring Kenny's scoff in the background

"Whatever" Stan turned to leave when Rachel grabbed his wrist again and pulled him back

"Don't you dare walk away from me when we're having a talk!" Rachel cleared her throat to stifle a slight wheeze. Her asthma was flaring and now wasn't the time. Stan rolled his eyes and stared at her, uninterested, like she was a turnip in a basket full of chocolates, caramels, ice-cream sundaes and lollypops.

"We're over! I never felt like we're even together!" Rachel spat, "This argument is fruitless!"

"Uh, we kissed like, twice" Stan shrugged

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HURTFUL YOU ARE BEING RIGHT NOW!?" Rachel screamed

"I don't actually care!" Stan said, causing Rachel to jump at the choice of the three words she was NOT expecting

"Nor do I!" Rachel sat down on the chair and flipped off his turned back, sucking every single inch of anger back into her pores and letting them diffuse. Today was her day. Bering single meant she could now eat chocolate cake all for herself and watch a marathon of How I Met Your Mother with her mom's comforting arms around her tonight. So she thought…


	3. Kenny's games

Kenny reared a square fist and smacked Stan across the jaw, much to Wendy's shock.

"Hey! Leave him alone!" Wendy cried

"I will after I'm done with this prick!" Kenny replied, rearing his fist once more

"Ow, dude, stop it!" Stan whined, flinching after each wipe

"Leave him alone!" Rachel and Kyle barreled forward and pulled Stan and Kenny apart

"Sorry" Kenny cracked his knuckles, "I don't entirely like it when my best friend dumps my best friend"

"We went out for like…. A month?" Stan frowned, holding his bloody nose

"Well, I don't think you understand why I'm so annoyed" Kenny snapped

"Dude, you didn't even NOTICE she was with me!" Stan retorted

Rachel blushed, feeling utterly out of place. She slunk off, thinking about which flavor ice cream goes with chocolate mud cake for tonight.

"We hardly spoke to each other, we just talked and thought we had so much in common. After saying we were now a couple, we realized" Stan explained, "How little I have in common with her! We hardly spoke to one another and it kinda fell apart!"

"You hardly know her, period" Kenny laughed and walked away, with Kyle who wiped his runny nose as he walked.

"How're you doing?" Kyle asked his friend

"Good" Kyle shrugged as a tear rolled off his cheek, "The pain, it hurts so bad! To lose someone you love… so close"

"Huh…" Kenny pocketed his hands, he froze, "Hey, dude, one question"

"Uhuh?" Kyle wiped his bloodshot eyes and looked at him, "Did you see Rachel upset, at all?"

"Um" Kyle shook his head, "for someone who tears up as a side effect of a panic attack, she's as dry eyed as Stan in history class"

"Huh" Kenny mused, furrowing his brow. Usually when a break up occurred, both the heart broken and the heart breaker were in tears. These two were going on about their day as if it was Christmas time….

"I'll catch you later" Kenny waved a hand and sat with Rachel who was reading The Hunger Games with great interest, lips set apart, she was obviously reading something very action packed, eyes wide open, eyebrows up in amusement.

"Hey" Kenny cleared his throat, causing her to jump out of the world of Katniss Everdeen kicking baddies in the ass and striking birds down with arrows with a flick of a bicep.

"Hey!" Rachel smiled, silently scolding herself for speaking so loudly

"You're not hurt by any of this?" Kenny blinked, frowning

"Eh" Rachel flicked a hand, "We may as well have just remained friends"

Kenny held in a laugh, only to let it out after hearing her laugh. He felt comfortable laughing along about the relationship and how it was a full-blown phantom relationship. I mean, Rachel talked about Katniss Everdeen's choice of boys more than her own thoughts on Stan Marsh himself! And Stan was supposedly her _boyfriend_.

"When was the last time he said I love you?" Kenny asked

"I think it was when we got together. But it was on a card" Rachel giggled, "Really, don't beat up people because they're wrong, just support those they hurt"

Kenny smiled at this and sat with her "Yeah, maybe I like that advice instead of the _beat up the dickheads _advice"

They chuckled at this for a moment. Rachel leaned over a little bit, slightly smiling to herself at the cologne Kenny was wearing. Kenny noted this and turned to face her "Now this is awkward!"

"Awkward?!" Rachel's slight smile fell off as she erupted into a fountain of laughter, "How is THAT awkward! I'll show YOU awkward!"

Kenny lifted an eyebrow as Rachel furrowed her brow in concentration, thinking _what could make Kenny McCormick feel awkward?_

"Aha!" Rachel shot up, "Who do you like!"

"Someone- Hey, what does that have to do with being awkward You can't embarrass me!"

"Yes I can!" Rachel huffed, "In fact, I'm going to draw this girl's name out of you and watch you squirm as I embarrass you in front of her!"

"Heh!" Kenny scoffed, "That's impossible! You can't embarrass me. But I will drop hints if you're THAT into her name…"

"Drop ONE hint!" Rachel stared at the blonde's sly grin, "One!"

"Well…. She makes me laugh, and she's got the best personality" Kenny mused, looking into the distance.

"Oh" Rachel held her breath to stop herself from letting out a wheeze in shock, "Y- You DO like someone!"

Kenny could see that Rachel was TRYING to keep her act of happiness and joy in her voice. Something made her seem hurt inside.

"What's her name" Rachel teased

"Hmm…." Kenny slid an arm around her waist, "Her hair reminds me of melted chocolate and she has a beautiful constellation of freckles, not too many"

"Uh" Rachel frowned in thought, "could it be..." Rachel ignored the voice screaming in her head, screaming the answer

"I'm sitting with her right now" Kenny whispered inches away from her ear, hot air tickling her ear as he spoke

Rachel froze up, eyes bugging out, mouth opening and shutting in utter astonishment as her face reddened to the color of a beetroot. She stuttered halved words, blinking back tears on joy or wonderment.

"Looks like I win at Awkwardness games!" Kenny jeered, pulling the stuttering girl close

"I-" Rachel felt her voice muffle as Kenny leaned in and took the rest of her sentence away in a soft and genuine heartfelt kiss.


	4. Stan's lesson

Stan watched the duo's heartfelt, moaning kissing under the dead tree that stood like a witch's hand. A book lay forgotten, inches away from the couple. Stan pondered about the possibility of ever receiving genuine love for another.

"Stan was just a veil to hide my feelings with you" Stan overheard Rachel say

"Really?" Kenny's voice went up a decibel

"Uhuh" Rachel's voice sighed

More sighing and slippery squelching, then eventually the conversation continued.

"That explains why you weren't so angry at Stan" Kenny's voice said

"I suck at lying" Rachel's soft voice giggled, "I think having a best friend…"

MORE kissing! Stan rolled his eyes as he turned on his heel.

"Physical relationships suck ass" Kenny laughed

"We weren't even physical! We hardly knew each other" Rachel's barely audible voice sounded

"Thus said, physical relationships suck ass" Kenny laughed again

Stan flipped them off and stalked off, away from the kissing and the laughing. He turned the corner and sat beside Wendy who was eating a delicious looking egg n' mayonnaise roll.

"Hello" Stan smiled, cringing from the bright of the winter's day

"Hey" Wendy munched on a mouthful

"Weird question" Stan cleared his throat "What's the difference between a genuine kiss and a-"

Stan gagged as Wendy planted a mayonnaise filled kiss on his mouth, parting, giggling at Stan's new egg mustache. He frowned and wiped it off.

"That wasn't genuine" Wendy shrugged, "why, you ask?"

"Isn't kissing and hugging supposed to have this feeling between two people? Ya know, the love or the spark or _whatever_ you call it?"

Wendy choked on the roll as she laughed at the frowning boy beside him.

"The connections between two people" Wendy said with her mouth full of bread, egg and mayo, "is the feeling of love for one another. That is, the love for the other person's personality and the love of her or his company"

"Huh" Stan shrugged, "And….. wait does that explain why Kenny always complains about the lack of intimacy in the world of prostitution? He always complains how he feels so bad for the prostitutes"

"You have NO intimacy" Wendy slammed her fist on the table as she stifled laughter, "You have to LIKE the person as a PERSON before you get into the squelchy stuff"

"Ugh" Stan shrugged, "I wasn't ready for a girlfriend, anyway"

"The fuck did you even kiss her in the first place?" Wendy glared

"She had a crush on me" Stan shrugged, "I thought I would like the interaction"

Wendy snorted and left, leaving Stan to his devices. Stan stood and left for his friends.

"Hey, guys!" Kyle waved as Stan greeted him

"Let's play tetherball" Stan cracked a knuckle, "I need to exert some frustration"

They proceeded to do so, Kyle immediately stopped and looked down.

"Whats up?" Stan stood beside him

"Clyde and Bebe, they're-" Kyle shrugged, "I don't know if they were going out for ages or what but…. Ugh"

"Hey, lets drown it with booze tonight, you and me" Stan smiled, watching a grin slide into Kyle's face.


	5. Clyde's status

They had been skating for a while and Bebe was looking hurt. Clyde was furious, yanking off a skating boot as he spoke.

"I understand you want a friend and everything but you can't just slide into another relationship like that" Clyde snapped

"I-" Bebe croaked, "I wanted you the whole time!"

"I could see that!" Clyde rolled his eyes, "what I'm trying to tell you is this. Being single isn't so bad! You DON'T have to be in a relationship to be happy! I'm perfectly happy how I am and YOURE just moping whenever you get bored of one boy and move onto the next! I'm perfectly happy just being your friend"

"You're just overreacting! I only _kissed_ you!" Bebe squeaked

"Look" Clyde slid his shoes on, "Even though it's Valentine's day, I'm perfectly happy with myself and being single. I had a falling out with Red a while ago and I kind of need space. Lots of it."

Clyde stalked off, walked home, opened the fridge and ripped open a bag of Doritos, unlatched a container of his mom's delicious bean and cheese sauce, heated it up and stuffed the Doritos, helping himself to his homemade nachos, he sat before the television and watched the How I Met Your Mother marathon. A while into the show, his stomach full of cheesy goodness, Clyde decided to phone Kenny.

"Hey, dude!" Clyde jeered, "Lets catch a game of soccer tonight, you in?"

"Sorry, man" Kenny said, "I'm out with Rachel-"

Clyde hung up. The daemons deep within his mind started to cloud over his eyes. He usually refused to let himself feel this way. Valentines day made it worse for him every year. He started to cry, alone in his empty house, half empty nachos on his lap. His mind was lying to him. He sighed heavily as his mind started a monologue Clyde knew wasn't true.

_Why am I always alone? Why can't I have a girlfriend? Why does everyone always not want to hang out with me? Why do they choose their boyfriend or girlfriend over ME! Why does everyone seem to be in relationships?_

"STOP!" Clyde screamed at himself, alone in the house, a hand offering his mouth a nacho.

"I should be happy with myself. I don't need other people to be happy! I have to make my own happiness and joy! Dating can wait! I must not mope at home about how desperate and lonely I am! I hate Valentines day!"

"So do I!" Kyle walked in, wearing a cows shirt and a bowl of popcorn, "Lets watch the cows play North Park"

"Sure" Clyde grinned as he sat beside him and the television switched to soccer

"Valentine's day is designed to piss singles off" Clyde muttered

"I know, right, there should be a Singles day!" Kyle laughed

"Huh" Clyde munched on a popcorn

"WAIT! That's every OTHER day!" Kyle sprang up, laughing

"Huh?" Clyde stared  
"Don't you see?" Kyle turned to him, "Valentine's day is just a marketing ploy to make singles confess love and couples to fall in deeper love! I mean, we should treat others with love everyday, not save it for one special day every year"

"Aye" Clyde grinned eyes glued to the screen


	6. Craig's Miscommunications

KerBAMerELLO!  
Teacher hit the alarm on his table, making that stupid sound.  
"Hola!" Craig spoke to his partner who sat beside him

"Hola, Craig" she shrugged, adding a Spanish inflection, "Te Gustan la…"

Crag watched ash she cringed, moving her lips to form the Spanish. She was having trouble.

"Las" Craig motioned

"Te gustan LAS papas fritas?" she asked, eyes batting in relief

"Si" Craig nodded "amo las patatas frita el in ano"

The girl's eyes bugged out and screamed in English "YOU JUST TOLD ME TO go and ANAL FRENCH FRIES!"

"Que? Si- No no no no! Que? Oh BANOS!" Craig flipped out

"That's unacceptable! Sit DOWN!" teacher snapped

"Shit" Craig rolled his eyes, "banos"

"Spanish class sucks in ano" Cartman snickered beside him

KerBAMerELLO!

Another set of peole started conversing in Spanish in high speed much to Craig's dismay. He understood little Spanish and liked the class even less. After the bell rang, he left for his locker where he saw Stan and Wendy discussing something and Stan wearing a very greasy egg mustache.

"Did you get any Valentine's day cards?" Tweek asked beside him

"No" Craig said in a Spanish inflection, making Tweek roll his eyes and switch to Spanish

"quién quiere meter las patatas fritas" Tweek said in fluent Spanuish "En el tuyo"

"Hey! I'm not GAY! There's only ONE French fry when its straight loving" Craig snapped

"Oops I didn't know I said that" Tweek shrugged, "I was trying to say who'se ass would you stick your french-fry?"

"Did Kenny out you up to this?" Craig glared

"No, you basically told the poor girl to stick her non existent french-fries in your ass" Tweek laughed

"Fuck Spanish! I would rather stick to English where I can confidently say let me stick that french-fry up her ass without sounding like a jackass!"

"well, did you get any valentines day cards?" Tweek asked,

"No, if i did i would be so happy" Craig sighed


	7. Wendy's arrow

Wendy combed a large knot out of her hair when Rachel ambled in, cringing. Lunch had just started and she was clutching her Hunger Games book to her chest.

"Hey, Rachel!" Wendy waved her fingers at Rachel, "You doing good?"

"Mhmm" Rachel nodded and re-tied her messy pony tail, "Just finishing my book"

"I'm sorry about the Stan thing" Wendy faced her

"Wendy" Rachel laughed, "You even HIT on him infront of me because you forgot about us being together"

"You never reacted" Wendy batted her lashes, "and I forgot about that! Don't be mean!" she teased

"I was sending messages with my mind STEAL HIM WAY AND ROCK HIS PENCIL WITH YOUR PENCIL SHARPENER! "

"What!?" Wendy spat on the mirror as she laughed, "He's cute!"

"You do know that you have had my permission to butt fuck that kid since like… I don't know, the day after Stan said he liked me? And probably every single other day before he said he liked me, because the one day he said he liked me…" Rachel rolled her eyes, "I don't know. Kyle set us up, we both fell in love with LOVE. Not like… I dunno."

"So you never liked him?" Wendy stared, eyes widening and staring into Rachel's head

"No, I thought the idea of having a boyfriend would be nice" Rachel grinned and turned to face her, "But the one thing I've discovered, is you need to LIKE THE GUY first!"

They laughed at this for a little.

"Rachel, in all seriousness" Wendy's eyes looked as if they darkened to match her tone

"Yeah?" Rachel blinked

"Kenny jerked off to your school year book photo" Wendy laughed

"That doesn't mean jack SHIT!" Rachel blushed, flicking water from the taps at her

"Ok, in actual dead seriousness, Kenny likes you" Wendy admitted, "it wont be weird to leave Stan and go to Kenny because Stan was the equivalent of doing this!"

Rachel covered her eyes, onyl to hear Wendy grab onto the hand dryer and let out a loud and suggestively sexual moan.

"Sorry, no dice" Rachel lifted an eyebrow, looking at her.

"Okay fine, it's the equivalent of-" Wendy snatched the Hunger Games book, and planted a kiss, looking as if she was enjoying it, passionately stroking its spine.

"I get the picture" Rachel was about to walk out

"You sure about that?" Wendy dumped the book at her

"No, I just witnessed a girl fondling two inanimate objects" Rachel scoffed

"No, you witnessed a girl fondle with an object" Wendy smiled, "Stan is basically an object to satisfy the desire that your idiot brain thought Stan would fulfill"

"Soo you're saying you want a boyfriend so you're going to fuck that book and hand dryer in the hopes for love in return?"

"Yes" Wendy giggled as Bebe walked out a bathroom stall, glancing at Wendy with a concerned face, "You fell in love with love and guys in general"

Rachel blinked "I knew all of that…"

"Look, sweetheart" Wendy walked out with her, "You fell in love with love, you both did. You practically didn't talk to each other again because you hardly knew one another. Kenny, your best friend is the best example of someone who is boyfriend material… Am I actually saying that? Wow"

"But…." Rachel hugged the book to herself, which covered in Wendy's slobber

"Now, fly away!" Wendy batted her hands on her back, "Fly, my dear!"

Wendy smiled as Rachel walked into the courtyard, leafing through her book.


	8. Tweek's Tweakin'

Tweek looked around, spilling coffee on himself as he supped from his thermos. Stan was sitting with him, stabbing something in his hand with a pencil. Tweek could only see a tiny blue square in his palm and could make nothing of it.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Tweek asked

"I'm making a prank. For someone" Stan said, eyes glued downwards, stabbing

"Oh okay" Tweek gulped his coffee once more

"Hey!" Kenny ambled over, bag on his shoulder

"Hey, did you get the maths homework today" Stan frowned

"Oh" Kenny frowned, "I think so"

Kenny opened his bag and leafed through his notebook with great interest. Stan opened his hand and let the thing fall from his hand, into the bag that was eventually zipped closed once Kenny put the notebook back in.

"Page seventy three and seventy four" Kenny smiled

"Thanks man" Stan grinned, ignoring Tweek's shocked face, "enjoy your date tonight"

Tweek stood and left, walking over to Clyde and Craig who were arguing about Spanish homework and how Craig had managed to ask some poor girl to have confident sex with chips in confident sounding Spanish.

"You just told our friend to fuck fries?" Clyde spat, "Kyle's X?"

"I didn't notice who it was" Craig shrugged, "whatever. Valentine's day sucks ass"

"Dude!" Stan tapped Tweek on the shoulder, "I need you to be my wingman tonight, come along for the ride"

"For?" Tweek glanced at him

"I'm heading out with Wendy" Stan smiled happily

"Uh, great" Tweek juddered in his skin

Xx

Wendy blinked, sitting beside Stan at a restaurant. Stan glanced at his watch.

"Huh" Stan cringed, "My friend stood me up"

"Be glad it wasn't me, cutesy" Wendy winked playfully, "We'll just have to have a date with ourselves"

"better plan" Stan winked at his long time crush. He had been fantasizing about her all year and finally he felt he was free to let his feelings free. Not that his feelings were reserved for anyone anyway. After some chatting, laughing and deep and meaningful, Stan froze up as Wendy laid a soft hand on his own.

"What's the matter? Allergic to the ladies?" Wendy teased

"Nu- No" Stan shook his head, unable to conceal his massive smile on his face

"Then what is it?" Wendy blinked

"I've always felt that I had to fake it for someone to get their attention" Stan shrugged, "I don't feel the same way with you"

"Well just be glad I was able to help you get out of a loveless relationship" Wendy cooed

"Yeah thanks" Stan laughed, "Now Rachel doesn't think of me as an aquittance but a massive jerk"

"You were always a jerk to her" Wendy roller her eyes, "You never seem to-"

"I didn't want her, I wanted love" Stan said, "Like a porno mag"

Wendy scoffed aloud as Tweek ran over.

"Sorry, did I miss anything?" Tweek rasped

"No, you're interrupting a date" Stan waved a hand, "shoo!"


	9. Bebe's anguish

Bebe screamed when she saw two things that she did NOT want to see. First of all, there was a used and heavily mutilated condom lying on the floor and beside her was a scruffy blonde with dried drool on his chin.

"What- what!?" Kenny looked at Bebe with groggy eyes, muffled a profanity and shoved Bebe out the bed.

"AUUUGH!" Bebe howled, scrambling for her clothes, "What is this!? Why are you in my room!?"

"All I remember was telling Rachel I had to go drinking with Kyle and Clyde" Kenny groaned, fumbling for his clothes.

"Wendy invited me drinking with Stan!" Bebe croaked, tears welling up in her eyes

"And you clearly landed in the wrong guy's pants" Kenny rolled his eyes and clutched his head in agony, "I don't remember a thing"

"God I hate hangovers" Bebe muttered, red from what she had just seen

"I can't believe we did this…" Kenny moaned, rocking

"Wait, you cheated on Rachel on the first day you're a couple!?" Bebe spat, brain churning in it's skull

"Hey!" Kenny stood, "Don't you fuckin' tell her!"

"Kyle and Clyde probably know all about this!" Kenny huffed

"Okay, wait, don't worry" Bebe cleared her throat, "phone Kyle and be normal. Ask about last night"

"Okay fine, like THAT will solve anything!" Kenny scoffed, "I went drinking with Clyde and Kyle, you went drinking with Wendy and Stan!"

"Just phone him." Bebe ordered, irritated

Bebe's phone rang, causing bebe to pick up and put on a sing song voice.

"Hey babe!" Bebe smiled, as if she had won a lifetime supply of ice cream

"Hey, I was calling to see if you're okay. You had me worried last night, you were so drunk" Wendy giggled

"What did I do?" Bebe whispered

"You didn't do anything stupid, I personally tucked you into bed when you passed out, and you were hot and sweaty, I left the window open to let the cool air in" Wendy explained, "I'm such a mother duck"

"YOU left the window open!?" Bebe croaked

"Well, yeah!" Wendy giggled

"Oh thanks" Bebe smiled, feigning relief, "I gotta go"

"Well, now I know how I got in" Kenny muttered as Bebe hung up.

"How did the surprise go?" Kyle answered as Kenny called him

"What surprise?" Kenny blinked

"The whole _I'm going to surprise my new girlfriend in her bed!_ Idea? The one where you confidently waddled off with in your drunken state and proceeded discuss how you were going to climb a pipe of a house and into the window?" Kyle scoffed, "You don't remember any of it?"

"I climbed the wrong house?" Kenny blinked, "did I mean Rachel's?"

"You raped me!" Bebe howled as Kenny dropped the phone, "I remember nothing of it!"

"I did not! I was drunk as fuck!" Kenny spat, "shit"

"Get out of my HOUSE!" Bebe screamed as Kenny receded from the house

Xx

"Sorry, love but apparently Bebe and Kenny fucked" Wendy cooed

"Way to break someone's heart!" Rachel huffed and started to cry

"It's not what sound looks like!" Kenny tried

"Please! You fondle and molest girls all the time and you expect me to believe that?" Wendy laughed

"I thought we were best friends" Rachel sniffed

"i thought we were friends... but with the benefits?" Kenny shrugged

"ASSHOLE" Wendy slapped Kenny on the face

"What? I hate commitment" Kenny shrugged and flinched when Rachel stepped before him and punched his eye out

**HAPPY VAELNTINE'S DAY!**


	10. The corny prologue

ONE YEAR LATER

Rachel glanced at Kyle scribbling on a card as they stood at the bus stop.

"Sorry, but that's a really corny thing to do" Rachel shrugged

"No even if it's anti-Valentine's day?" Kyle stared

"Yeah, two of the corniest celebrations on Earth" Rachel waved a hand

"Well, then now I'm offended!" Kyle pouted in a sarcastic manner

"What?" Rachel blinked as Kyle thrust her a card in his hand

"Oh a V day card!" Rachel reddened from mostly embarrassment, "to me!? Shit I'm so sorry!"

"Nah" Kyle waved a hand

_Dear Rachel, have fun making fun of loved up couples and eating chocolate hearts that I have personally smashed to remind you how fucking badly Valentines Day sucks balls. _

Rachel looked up and lifted an eyebrow. Kyle gave her a bag of candy hearts that looked as if someone had smashed with a hammer.

"Happy fucking valentine's day" Kyle grinned

"That was the best and cheesiest anti-valentine's day present ever!" Rachel squealed, putting on her little girl voice, causing Kyle to crack up.

"Pleasure!" Kyle beamed

"Seriously?" Rachel lifted up the candied hearts, all lovingly destroyed

"Try it, they taste good anyway" Kyle shrugged

"But then I would be accepting the commercialized day that I do NOT want to celebrate" Rachel chuckled

"Not even if I said they were simply confectionary and have no other deeper meaning other than the shitload of sugar it has?" Kyle asked

"Not if you promised a sugar high" Rachel ate a piece anyway, Holy shit they're _good!_"

Kyle shrugged as Stan, Kenny and Cartman walked over.

"Now, to complete my evil plan!" Cartman guffawed, "I must proceed to break Stan up with Wendy and ask her out!"

"You do know that every single soul on this Earth hates you" Stan lifted an eyebrow

"Ey! Everyone loves me! I'm the lovable chubby cute one of the group!" Cartman flexed a very fat and chubby non-muscly arm, "eh? Eh? See?"

"Actually according to the girl's list" Kyle pointed out, "you're on the very bottom"

"Hey!" Cartman glared

"And last time I checked, Valentine's day was yesterday" Alex munched on a candy that Kyle swiftly ate from, too.

"Who made you hate Valentine's day so bad?" Stan cringed, ignoring Cartman

"Both of us!" Kyle motioned both himself and Rachel, "gayest thing in existence"

"Now don't be so hard on those that broke your heart into countless pieces" Kenny spoke up

"We're not. We just hate valentine's day" Rachel shrugged

"So what are you doing for V day?" Kyle asked

"Actually" Kenny stepped before them, "Why don't you two spend the day together and leave those who are pro Valentine's day alone?"

"You don't even celebrate Valentine's day!" Rachel laughed, "You say it's a non existent day for all! We celebrate singles awareness day!" You celebrate nothing!"

"Hi, Stan!" Wendy ran up to him, hugged him tight

"Happy Valentine's day!" Stan hugged her back

"The hell did I miss last year?" Cartman glanced at everyone

"Well, you have three celebrations to take part in" Kenny explained, "you can either pretend Valentines Day doesn't exist like me, or celebrate it like Stan and Wendy or celebrate Singles Awareness Day like Kyle and Rachel"

"Huh" Cartman frowned, "Well, I'm going to go on a hot date with my tasty girlfriend called Cheesy Poofs"

"Or inanimate food love day" Kenny shrugged as the bus arrived

THE END!


End file.
